March 03, 2005

Blinded by Falafel

I have just made the world's worst falafel and, in the arduous and humiliating process, almost blinded myself as well.

When the burst of hot oil flared up from the skillet like an angry volcano, the only thing that saved me from possible disfigurement and almost certain uncontrollable profanity was that the oil had not yet been heated to the surface temperature of the sun. Close, but not quite there. Nevertheless, I was compelled to continue my preparations with a wet dishtowel full of ice cubes applied to my head. Bravely, I soldiered on.

The next disappointment was that, although remarkably painful to the touch, the oil was apparently not quite hot enough to have a visible effect on falafel. Instead of sizzling happily, it merely languished there in the pan and then gradually started to break apart at the slightest provocation. This was most likely the result of a further mistake in not allowing enough time for the falafel to set; but since I have no way to gauge how much time was spent writhing in pain on the kitchen floor, I really can't be held accountable for that error.

So after I cooked the falafel into crisp little black husks, I tried to scoop them up out of the skillet. Unfortunately, at this point, they lost all structural integrity and practically dissolved before my eyes. Determined to salvage something from this experience, I fished out some of the larger chunks using two wooden spoons as pincers and laid them carefully on a pita.

The resulting "falafel" was a soggy, oily mess - additionally undermined by a mealy tomato I unwittingly chopped up and included as garnish. The recipe yielded enough "falafel" to feed a small caravan and I'm sure someone, somewhere is having a good laugh about that. I threw out the remainder of the oil soaked "patties" and refrigerated the uncooked ones for their potential use in home defense.

As a final parting insult, my apartment now smells like an armpit. I will never again make the mistake of preparing falafel without a "buddy" to call 9-1-1 when the whole process inevitably goes awry. Apparently falafel must be left to the professionals.